After initially allowing contact at the end of an abusive relationship and suffering the emotional consequences of letting my narcissistic abuser back in to my life, this time I went “No contact”. I blocked email and phone contact, I changed locks (again) and I wrote myself reminders of why no contact was so important to my wellbeing. I needed to reclaim my life after over two years of emotional and physical abuse. I needed this to recover. It has been so good for me.
It has not all been smooth sailing as I still get attempted contact from the abuser but I feel so much stronger in myself, more confident, when I do not respond. I actually feel free of the manipulation and control. I feel like I have my life back. I have no idea if he ever sent text messages or emails as I still have them blocked and I always will. He has attempted other contact. A few weeks ago he sent a parcel that I did not open and gave back to the postman to be returned to sender. Two weeks later he pushed a large piece of cardboard with a scrawled message under my door whilst I was not home. This I kept a record of and ignored. I also placed a rug at the base of my door to prevent any further notes from being shoved underneath it. Today I received a letter in the mail. It has no return address but I recognise the handwriting. I have not opened it. I am not sure if I should burn it or return it – it will remain in a bottom drawer unopened until I decide. For the first time though, I do not feel that anxiety I have previously felt at any attempted contact. After the message shoved under my door I had a panic attack. I was due to go out to lunch with my family. As I drove – the tears came. Then the shaking. I pulled over for a while before continuing on my way. I arrived and was in a fog. I had to go outside and walk in the cold air to gain my composure. I repeated my mantra to myself. “No contact. I am free”. Today there was none of that. I did not even consider opening it. He has no power over me. None. I feel strong. I know him for what he is. A coward. A bully. A narcissist. An abuser. I am free of all of that. I will stay that way.