To say it has been a rough five years would be an understatement. It has been, what the Queen of England once dubbed, an “Annus Horribilus” multiplied by five. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. I have survived. I am alive. Others I love are not, and that is something that makes this whole journey at times seem so unfair. Beautiful, loving souls are no longer here – I miss them and think of them every day. They live in my memory and their absence makes me realise how lucky those of us still here actually are. I have so much to be grateful for. I AM grateful. That I am alive is something to celebrate. For me – for them – just because I can and because I AM still here. Life is a precious thing. I want to actually LIVE like it is – a gift. To take each day, regardless of what I am doing and be grateful – because we simply do not know how many more days we will get. I am leaving the negative stuff behind, setting some goals and doing the things I have previously put off doing. I have things I want to do and there is no time like the present to do them. Carpe diem.
I got out of a nasty relationship and refuse to ever again buy in to the lies that person perpetrates to make himself seem less of a vile abuser. His actions and his words paint him as the true narcissistic abuser he is. He will be miserable until the day he dies. An empty and pitiful shell masquerading as a human being. I was sucked in to it but now that I am free I understand how lucky I am to have escaped. I do not have to live with that or be surrounded by that. Never again! I want to move forward and live my life. To hell with the past … To hell with him. I will live MY life and be what he can never be and what I could never be with him. What I can be on my own – Happy! Life is way too short for accepting things that just should not happen. I have seen and lived that firsthand.
I just got a new job. A full time job that I worked hard to get. I cannot wait to start on Monday. I feel invigorated and ready to take on the challenge. I love my work. I enjoy it. Going to work and being happy is a huge bonus. My new job will also give me more freedom. Some spare time and the financial buffer I need. Money isn’t everything – I know it is not. It does not buy happiness. It will though provide freedom for other stuff. I don’t want to buy “things” with this money. I want to use it to have experiences. To DO things. I have lived below the poverty line for the last 18 months and I know that it is no barrel of laughs to struggle financially. To fear getting a bill you cannot pay. To live from pay to pay, or worse … to not have enough to pay for those essentials – like rent, electricity, food, petrol – let alone anything else. I learned to live on a scant food budget. To not turn the heating on. To make the most of the entertainment on hand. That was actually the easy part.
I have also lived with a different kind of poverty – a poverty of spirit. It is that poverty that truly destroys a person. I lived with that for too long. It was far more detrimental. That is true poverty and it is one that is harder to escape. That of despair and unhappiness. That of accepting a horrible situation. That of living in violence and abuse. Accepting less than anyone deserves. Less than I deserve. I do deserve happiness. I do deserve to be free of fear. I do deserve a life. It is my spirit I want to heal and that is what I am doing now. I am taking my life back. The feeling of freedom is fantastic. The fog has lifted – I have a life and not just an existence. Travel. Concerts. Work. Friends. Family. A raft of opportunities … Of experiences. Of being ME. Accepting who I am and being that. Actually learning what that is after losing the confidence and essence that made me who I am – and finally understanding what I do not want, what I do not need and what I do want in my life. I have started on that journey … Travel with my sisters and the new job are just the start …
A bucket list might be a cliché but I have one. I have a thirst to experience life now, as I was starved of it previously. By my own fears, my own mistakes, by putting another’s wants and needs above my own until I was almost destroyed in the process. I want to experience those things I planned for the future – Doing stuff NOW – there is no waiting.
Bluesfest is booked in for next Easter. Travel on my days off – short getaways and spending time with the people I love. Family and friends. I am doing it now. Reconnecting with the world – with people I value. I survived and I plan to make the most of it. Life is short. It can be cruel. While I can, I plan to enjoy it. I am healthy. I am happy. I am living – and it is something to celebrate.